Wish List (At Kung Anu-ano Pang Shit)

• Lemme get this straight. This is not a Christmas wish list. Call it what you want but I’d like to think of these as things I wish to receive for becoming a better, more mature Lio Loco as the year draws to a near close.
• You don’t need Christmas to make your own wish list anyway.
• Hindi ako naniniwala sa pasko but it’s interesting to think how people become giddy like fuck whenever the calendars churn out the first –ber month in their leaves.
• It’s also worth noticing how people expect gifts during this time of the year and how even badass people delay their wrongdoings all for the sake of “peace on earth and goodwill to men.”
• That’s being pathetic and phony, if you ask me. If the emotion is genuine, why be good only during Christmastime?
• Stephen King’s “On Writing”
• Matagal ko nang hinahanap ang librong ‘to sa kung saan-saang bookstore pero mahilig siyang makipagtaguan-pung sakin.
• Nasabi ko na ‘to noon. Kapag nabasa ko na ang “On Writing,” susubukan ko uleng magsulat ng sarili kong akda. Maski pakonti-konti lang, hindi muna full-time. Marami pang dapat unahin kesa pakainin ang egotistical writer alter-ego ko.
• Madami na kong nasimulang nobela pero lahat hindi ko tinapos dahil lahat punumpuno ng kung anu-anong shit. Lahat pinakain ko rin sa mabahong basurahan.
• A Chinese saying my long-forgotten dad has taught me: “To become a full man, one must plant a tree, write a book, and sire a child.” The last one’s definitely going to happen in ten year’s time. I’d be happy to, honestly.
• Kilala mo si Jessica Zafra? Hinde? Hmmmkei. She’s finally written her own novel but it’s not out yet. Still needs reediting according to her. If she publishes it this year, I’m going to get a copy and see for myself.
• You can always brag about how effin’ good you are as a writer but unless you have a book to back it up, you’re still sadly one of the thousand shits aspiring. Ergo, I am a big piece of shit. It’s the ruddy book, you idiosyncratic imbecile!
• Neil Gaiman’s “The Sandman Series”
• Sabi ng isang kaibigan, hawig ko raw ang isang character sa Sandman, in both physical and behavioral aspects. I now cannot remember who it is though.
  
• JK Rowling’s “Quidditch Through the Ages”
• JK Rowling’s “Monster Book of Monsters”
• Wala ang mga supplementary books na ‘to sa Pinas at kay Manay Reesie lang pwedeng magpabili. Manay Reesie, kung sakali mang maligaw ka ng landas dito, parang awa mo na, ibalato mo na sakin ‘tong mga ‘to para makumpleto ko na ang HP book collection ko.
• Norman Wilwayco’s “Mondomanila”
• Norman Wilwayco’s “Responde”
• Norman Wilwayco’s “Gerilya”
• Si Wilwayco ang blog author ng phenomenal blog na tunaynalalake.blogspot.com.
• Mahilig sa putangina motherfucker shit asshole sonuvabitch at kung anu-ano pang profanity ang Palanca award-winning author na ‘to.
• Ang Mondomanila ang kauna-unahang nobela ni Wilwayco na binansagang “Trainspotting ng Pilipinas” ng mga aklat-kritiko.
• Hindi ko pa rin napapanood ang Trainspotting.
• Base na rin sa mga iba’t ibang laway na nakahuntahan ko, ang pelikula at ang manunulat eh pareho raw may ibubuga. Pareho akong curious sa Norman Wilwaycong ‘to at sa Trainspotting.
• Tribal hoodie
• Mahilig ako sa jacket na may hood. Pandagdag-volume. I am, after all, horizontally-challenged.
• Marty’s Cracklin’ Vegetarian Chicharon
• Sana lang talaga bigyan ako ng wanyir suplay ng Oishi para sa libreng plugging ng chichiriang ‘tong masarap pampulutan.
• Eros Atalia’s “Taguan-Pung at Manwal ng mga Napapagal: Koleksyon ng mga Dagling Kathang Di Pambata”
• Nabasa ko ang sequel niyang “Peksman (Mamatay Ka Man), Nagsisinungaling Ako (At Iba Pang mga Kuwentog Kasinungalingan na Di Pa Dapat Paniwalaan)” at kahit nakakalunod ang porma ng kaniyang Tagalog na panulat eh nagustuhan ko pa rin ang paglalahad niya ng kaniyang mga kwentong-barbero.
• Si Atalia ang sinasabing malapit na kawangis ni Bob Ong pagdating sa malupet na pagsulat sa Tagalog na parang nakikipag-inuman lang sa mga tambay sa kanto.
• Sa kanilang dalawa, kay Bob Ong pa rin ako kahit si Atalia eh isang Palanca Awardee pa.
• Pero hindi ito nangangahulugang gusto ko ang kalalabas lang na “Kapitan Sino” ni Bob Ong. Compared to his previous wicked narratives (ABNKKBSNPLAKo?! and Ang Paboritong Libro ni Hudas will always be my personal favorites among his works), Kapitan Sino is simply, pardon my French, full of shit.
• It’s a really short story (read it for about an hour or two) that is oddly called a “novel” whose plot you could instantaneously guess even while you’re still halfway through the book and one that is peppered with a lot of trademark Bob Ong quotable quotes, which are better off forwarded as text messages to some random number for possible SEB hookup. Kidding on the SEB part.
• Okey, ready na ko sa mga troll comments ng mga Bob Ong die-hards.
  
• Anything Chuck Palahniuk
• Some blogger of few posts ago commented that I kind of write Chuck Palahniukish. And then I thought I remind people of JD Salinger with my idiosyncrasies. Oh well, I better get a glimpse of Palahniuk's ramblings to find out. I can start with Fight Club, if you want to know the truth.
  
• Van Houten Almond Chocolate
• ‘Eto ang bukod-tanging tsokolateng kinahuhumalingan ko noon pa. Lage akong bumibili ng isang lata.
  
• Masarap kasi kainin ang mani almonds.
  
• Khaled Hosseini's Kite Runner
• I’ve watched the movie adaptation on HBO just recently and I was intrigued how Amir would have dealt with the horrifying torture of living a life while being haunted with the past of abandoning his bestfriend Hassan when the latter was gang-raped by some Afghan gangsta. Yeah, I wasn't able to finish the film because the housemates kept changing channels. Curse that wretched tearjerker Tayong Dalawa.
  
• With rare exceptions, books are always better than movie adaptations. Does that mean the Kite Runner tome is that good?
• Noynoy Aquino in Malacanang Palace by 2010
• I’ve said my piece in picking him out of a batch of crappy, ditty-singing presidentiables. If you don’t agree, that’s fine with me. There simply is no accounting for taste – or in this case, for presidential flavor.
• What’s important is to get your phony Farmville-cocooned self involved in next year’s presidential elections. At the very least, find time to register in your nearest poll precinct or revalidate your voting registration. I cannot over-emphasize how important this is for every Filipino but trust me, there’s more in this for you than what you think.
• CPA license by 2010
• As expected, there have been some major glitches happening left and right just recently. But I’m sick and tired of posting the same sentemotional drama over and over again so I’m sparing you the theatrics of usual to-dream-the-impossible-dream shitnitz.
• If you want something really bad, all the universe will conspire to help you get it. I am not really a big fan of Paulo Cuelho but his The Alchemist nuggets somehow find their way in my cynical thought meanderings.
• Kasalukuyan akong nagpapaka-bangag sa tone-toneladang Accounting review handouts.
• Kaya hindi ko maharap mag-reply sa mga nakatambak nang two-cents’-clustefuck dito.
• Kaya wala ring kadire-direksyon ang blog post shitnitz na ‘to.
  
• Hmmkeibye.

Postscript: Mahahalikan ko sa tumbong ang makakapagbigay kay Lio Loco ng “On Writing” ni Stephen King at ang The Sandman Series ni Neil Gaiman. No, I’m not gender-biased.

Oh and yeah, I’ve got a spare of Zafra’s Twisted 8. I bought a copy a few months back and some random friend bought one for me just recently so I’m giving the extra.

Just tell me why I need to give the other copy to you. If you’re the type who dislikes short, snappy sentences and sarcasm-laden prose or one who (gawd forbid) dislikes reading at all, please don’t bother.

Did I tell you I’m giving some obligatory Lio Loco dedication in the preface? If you’re some Psychology shrink, you can analyze my penmanship to figure out my peculiar behavior (which I don’t believe in, anyway).

Count Down

What is the difference between rest day and day-off?

The blatherskite shepherd wannabe, whom I've had the liberty to call the three-year-younger version of me, told me over our EB beer session that day-off is for house maids so I should be using rest day instead - because I'm some Third World corpo creature earning double-digit bucks. Whatever. Typical stereotyping, if you ask me. A rose by any other name would still smell sweet, to quote the great English bastard bard.

So yeah, I'm using the "supposedly maid's term" to mean today's my day-off and I think I'm off to a good start. The weather is pretty gloomy and oddly, I'm sort of liking it. I've always felt at ease with cold, freezing weathers than hot, intimidating sunny days if you ask me. There's a strange thing about humid sunless skies that pulls the attraction in me. Maybe because I can so relate with its loneliness and isolation. Or perchance because it allows me to be closer to my comfort zone - being lost in book realms and being fuckin' inebriatedly philosophical over cold beer bottles.

I've left the hellish dorm yesterday and now I'm a transient over one friend's apartment in Pasig. This was basically where I lived for some time prior to moving to the murky floodwaters of Espana, Manila because of the sudden decision, or lack thereof, to pursue my freakin' CPA dream.

Next week's going to be my last week at the equally hellish call whoring job and I can't say I'm not thrilled at the idea of becoming a slaved yuppie no more. Gawd, the thought of waking up whatever time you want sans the scene of dragging your balls to work to talk in fake American accent gives me that peculiar surge of energy. Imagine a life without calls upon stupid calls of Occidental non-techies who have unfairly deemed it a habit to vent out their frustrations to hapless call center agents over not being able to connect to the Internet.

Fuckin' inglourious basterds (has anyone watched Tarantino's film yet and was it any good?). Like it was our fault they couldn't download their Maria Ozawa porn torrent.

I quit the review as well and that's exactly the reason I've been very productive in churning out shits upon tons of shits in this blog. I've checked the August idiosyncrasy and it pleases-slash-amazes me to no end how I've come to manage a whopping 13 posts in one month. By Lio Loco standards of posting only sensible shitnitz, not merely posting nonsensical what-I-fuckin'-did-today yadda yadda just so I could fit the "productive blogger" description, that's already an understatement.

So I resigned from work and quit the review. What gives?

I can't explain everything in a nutshell but if you're the reader who have religiously followed the fuckin' sentemotional Lio Loco drama over the last couple of posts, you'd surely discern why I quit both. I am, of course, talking to my alter-ago and to the two or three random readers who have come to regard this blog as their three-o'clock habit. Let me just say I've had yet another bout of those infamous quarter-life clusterfucks that suck the fight attitude in you.

That time sucked big time, if you want to know the truth.

Suddenly you feel the isolation, you feel like straying away from the normal course of the crowd and begin to realize there are a lot of things about yourself you find pathetic. You become insecure and worry about what exactly is going to happen five, ten, fifteen years hence but you look at a black, faceless canvas because you don't know what the future holds for you. You live in the now, that familiar territory you've known like the back of your hand but the distant future is vague like some hoax clairvoyant's crystal ball in Quiapo Church.

You look at your job and find yourself in utter dismay for breathing such a fuckin' corpo tag you didn't imagine yourself to work into in the first place. You look at people around you and you become crabby and catty. You tell yourself they can't be trusted and how they are all the same, all freakin' dolled up selfish marionettes in strings, like that kindergarten kid you knew back then who won't even share his lunch box goodies with you.

Fuckin' potpourri memories.

You begin to realize the people you've considered friends all along aren't exactly the greatest people on earth you've ever met in your two-decade existence and you begin to miss those you've willingly lost contact with. You miss high school and college and the familiar sense of security and comfort they bring you and you wish to turn back the hands of time to experience the easy-go-lucky bummer life you've reluctantly parted with.

But then again, you think it's not okay to be lulled up in such false security.

I've once read a very good article in a newspaper back then how we can be at our best and worst times at the same time, about how we try our gawddamn best to figure everything out and discern what life really is all about. There will be cliches and useless figures of speech spewed out by people claiming to be philosophers and those claiming they know a lot about life but I'd like to think there's one idea that could very well fit the bill for all of us.

That while we all want to be winners in the race of our lives, and in the process being shoved with fucked up problems and clusterfuck dilemmas up our gawddamn asses, we feel secure to be good contenders, at the very least, in the here and now.

So yeah, seven days to go before I finally get that well-deserved one-month break from all of these hellish shitnitz. One week to get over and done with before I bid goodbye to this fuckin' polluted Manila brick road. I'm going back to the stress-free, good ol' home in the province and there, in the cold mountain breeze, I will pamper my pollution-soaked penis.

Who's missing me now, eh?

And yes, if you're quite keen to notice, digressions pepper my posts. Too much ideas, too little time. There goes the Holden Caulfield in me again. Tsk.

Buladasphere (O Kung Paanong Naimpluwensiyahan ang Maimpluwensiya Kunong si Lio Loco ng Iba Pang Maimpluwensiya sa Blogosperyo...Ano Raw?)

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Alam mo kung saan pwedeng maihalintulad ang pagba-blog? Sa seks. Oo, sa mainit-init na seks, walang halong biro at malisya.

Dahil tulad sa pagtikim ng luto ng diyos, nakakaadik ang pagbablog. Masarap tumipa ng mga kabalahuraang itatapon mo sa Intarnetz at pupulutin ng mga taong hindi mo naman kilala nang personal pero matutuwa-mamamangha sa produkto ng putak-utak mo.

Sa simula, kabado ka. Mangangapa sa kung pano ba ang tamang posisyon ng mga titik at salita. Pagpapawisan sa paggawa ng mga blog post na tingin mo eh swak na sa panlasa mo pero walang kwenta pa pala kapag binasa ng iba. Newbie. Bagito. Baguhan. Isipin mo ang lalakeng bida sa 40-Year-Old Virgin. Ganun. Ganun na ganun na parang walang kamuwang-muwang sa mundo ng blogosperyo.

Pero habang tumatagal, mas nagiging gamay mo na ang sistema. Pabilis na nang pabilis ang daloy ng mga ideya. Nag-uunahan na ang mga saltik ng dila. Mas nagiging kampante ka na sa pagtitipa dahil nahuli mo na ang tamang posisyon, ang tamang kiliti ng iyong mga mambabasa. Magsisimula ka nang makipaglandian sa ibang mga blogger. Parang maharot na dalagitang panay ang pagkerengkeng sa harap ng tindahan ni Aling Nena.

Hanggang sa umabot ka na sa rurok ng point of no return na blogging nirvana. At doon mo mapagtatantong masarap pala mag-blog. Nakakaadik. Nakakahigh. Parang seks nga lang.

Sa ilang buwang pagtitipa ko ng mga kabalahuraan sa pook-sapot na 'to, nakatutuwang isiping marami na kong nakasalamuhang mga nilalang na itinuring ko nang mga kawavelength ko. Mga taong bogus ang muka pero sa palitan pa lang ng mga kuru-kuro sa maliit na pambihirang kuwadradong sinimulang imbentuhin ni Charles Babbage, alam mong hindi malayong magklik kayo sa teleserye ng totoong buhay.

Dito rin sa pagba-blog na 'to ako unang nakasagupa ng mga troller na nanlibak sa istilo ng panulat ko. Na wala naman talaga kong pakialam dahil unang-una, hindi ko ipinagduldulan sa kung sinumang nilalang ang mga putak-utak ko. At dahil ga-bulbol lamang sila kumpara sa malagong listahan ng mga naligaw ng landas ditong natuwa-namangha-nakiayon sa mga idyosingkrasiyang inilatag ko rito sa Intarnetz.

Simple lang naman ang batas dito sa blogosperyo: kung hindi mo gusto ang inilalako ng isang karinderya, wag mo nang pintasan at lumipat ka na lang sa ibang kainang swak sa panlasa mo. Kung hindi mo trip ang binabasa mo, malaya mong maisasara ang web browser. Walang basagan ng trip. 'Yun lang 'yun eh.

Napakarami nang mga bagong blogger na nagsulputan ngayon sa Intarnetz. Kaniya-kaniyang trip. Kaniya-kaniyang kabalahuraan. Kaniya-kaniyang moment. May tamang emo. May tamang pa-kyut. May tamang patawa. May tamang seryoso. May tamang wala lang talaga. Pero hindi tayo diyos para pagbawalan silang ilahad ang sarili nilang opinyon kahit paulit-ulit nang nasabi 'yun ng iba.

Dahil sa totoo lang, naniniwala akong walang orihinal na ideya. Maaaring nasabi ko na noon pa ang gusto mong sabihin sa susunod na linggo o pwede ring ang nailahad ko rito eh nabanggit mo na noon pa. Pero wala pa rin akong karapatan na angkinin ang puntong iyon sa parehong dahilan na hindi mo rin pwedeng sabihing plinagiarize lang kita. Dahil naniniwala akong maaaring nauna lang ako o ikaw lang ang nahuli sa paglalahad ng punto. Digs mo?

Sige. Para hindi ka masyadong maguluhan. Gamitin nating halimbawa ang maalamat na pagsikat ng astig na anonymous author na si Bob Ong. Pansin mo ba kung bakit mahal na mahal siya't iniidolo-sinasamba ng mga common tao magpasahanggang ngayon maski na nawawala na ang kaniyang orihinal na kinang na makikita sa kaniyang mga naunang akda? (Oo, hindi ko nagustuhan ang Kapitan Sino; wala na kasi ang kakaibang wit at kiliting una kong nakita sa ABNKKBS, Bakit Baligtad, at Libro Ni Hudas.)

Dahil si Bob Ong ay repleksiyon ng kolektibong boses ng ordinaryong Pinoy na hitik sa imahinasyon at natatanging idyosinkrasiya't (idiosyncrasy) sariling gawi sa lipunang puno ng kabalbalan at kabalahuraan. Ang mga akda niya ay sumasalamin sa kakaibang kaugalian at tradisyon nating mga Pinoy, bagaman at inilalahad niya ang mga ito sa paraang nakakakiliti ng tumbong at hindi nakakaumay.

Pero naisip mo na rin bang ang mga sinabi niya eh maaaring nasabi na rin ng iba? O maaaring sasabihin pa lang ng iba? Mapalad siya kung ganun dahil meron siyang Visual Print Publishing na nagsisilbing tagapamudmod ng kaniyang mga ideya upang maipaabot sa mas marami pang mambabasa. Na hindi kelanman matatamasa ng iba pang manunulat na kasing-galing o heck, mas higit pa sa galing at talas ng kaniyang panitik.

Kaya nga meron tayong outlet na tinatawag na blogging. Sa paraang ito, maaari mong sabihin ang mga nasabi na ni Bob Ong sa panulat na iyong iyo lang at walang halong pagpapanggap at walang bahid ng kung anumang plagiarism. O maaari mo rin siyang unahan sa mga ideyang hindi pa niya nailalathala.

Ulet. Walang orihinal na ideya. Pwede siguro sa istayl ng panulat, pero ang puntong nais iparating? Lahat ng mga 'yan eh nagpasalin-salin na sa iba't ibang manunulat sa iba't ibang panahon.

Kaya nga gusto kong sabihin na napakalaki ng makamundong Pinoy blogosperyohan para magdamutan tayo. May espasyo ang lahat. Kasya ang lahat ng blogger na may gustong sabihin - Jurassic man yan sa kalumaan o parang 40-Year-Old Virgin lang. Mas maige nga kung tayu-tayo mismo ang magtulungan upang gawing sikat ang mga karapat-dapat maging sikat.

At 'yung wala namang kapag-a-pag-asang maging sikat dahil siya lang at ang nanay niya ang nagbabasa ng blog niya? Bigyan mo ng konting pansin. I-share mo ang self-esteem na kulang sa katauhan niya. I-feature mo sa blog mo at nang sa ganun eh may manaka-naka namang maligaw ng landas sa kuta niyang loyal reader mo. Dahil naniniwala akong lahat ng blogger, may kakayahang sumulat ng astig na akda. May kakayahang maging isang Bob Ong in da not-so-distant pyutyur.

Ano ang gusto kong tumbukin? Wala lang naman. Gusto ko lang bigyang pugay ang mga pioneer bloggers na naging inspirasyon ko para magsulat at bigyan ako ng lakas ng loob para itayo ang pundasyon ng e-bahay na 'to. Sila ang masasabi ko nang haligi ng parteng ito ng Pinoy blogosperyo dahil sa tagal at dami na ng laway na idinura sa Intarnetz.

Sinu-sino sila? In no particular order:

Si Kuya Badoodles - ang idol ko at Bossing ng buong sangkablogosperyohan na muling nagbabalik matapos mapagtantong magkakaron ka pala ng kahati sa suso ng asawa mo sa oras na magkaron ka na ng beybi gel. Si Green Pinoy na Pilipinong makulet na minsan sa bughaw na buwan ko lang napapasadahan dahil blocked ang lecheng datkom sa putahan. Si Efbee na hanggang ngayon eh missing-in-action pa rin. Tangina, Kokey Monster, magparamdam ka na! Si xG na walang kupas ang talim ng mga panitik at karisma at isa sa mga krasness ko rito sa blogosperyo. Si Malditong Tae na tatlong taon na rin palang nakikipaglandian kay Mystica at ngayon eh kumekerengkeng-nanliligaw kay Aling Dionisia. Sina Jeck at Gasti na malupet ding bumira sa kani-kanilang mga blog. At si Kevin na naging kaututang dila ko sa wikang una kong minahal.

Maaaring hindi niyo kilala ang karamihan sa kanila pero ang mga Jurassic bloggers na 'to ang mga pioneer sa pananaw ko at nagsilbing dahilan para marating ko kung anuman ang narating ko ngayon. Hindi ako nagbubuhat ng sarili kong bangko at nakikipagpataasan ng mapanghing ihi sa kung sino mang talipandas. Pero sa estado ng pagiging isang blogger ko ngayon, masasabi kong malaking improvement na siguro ang kung ano ako ngayon kumpara sa nung nagsisimula pa lang ako.

Kaya naman sa puntong ito, nararapat din sigurong ibigay sa iba ang pagkilalang nararapat sa kanila. Oo, nahulaan mo. Entry ko 'to sa Top 10 Emerging Influential Blogger pakontes ni Miss Janette Toral at ang haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaabbbbba nga ng intro ko. Ganiyan talaga. Double purpose. Typical SSDD Boy blog post and at the same time eh contest entry. Hehe. Salamas pala kung nakarating ka na sa puntong ito at hindi ka pa rin inantok sa pagbabasa.

Wala sanang magagalet sa mga madalas maligaw ng landas dito kung hindi kayo napasama sa listahan ko. Ang sa akin lang, hindi dapat iniimpluwensiyahan ng pagkakaibigan ang desisyon mo sa kung sino ba talaga ang pinakamaimpluwensiyang blogger para sa'yo. Kung kaibigan mo talaga 'yang mga 'yan, maiintindihan nilang ang pagpili mo eh base lang sa sarili mong pananaw. Walang halong personalan.

Sa totoo lang, napaka-subjective ng pang-uring "influential" o maimpluwensiya sa wikang bernakyular. Dahil ang influential para sa'yo eh maaaring hindi influential para sakin. Sa madaling salita, dahil sa pagkakaiba-iba ng panlasa, hindi malayong ang labanan eh mauwi lang sa palakasan sa ibang bloggers o hindi kaya eh hakot crowd system. Na wala rin namang kaso sakin dahil wala namang nagbabawal na mangampanya ka sa iba.

Kung hindi ako nagkakamali ng bilang, limang nilalang ang nagnomina rin sakin sa pakontes na 'to at itinuring akong influential blogger para sa kanila. Na laking pasasalamat ko naman maski na hindi ko hininging iboto nila 'ko. Sa simula't simula pa lang, hindi ko na inasahang mapapasama ako sa listahan dahil alam ko namang supladong blogger talaga ako (na aaminin kong unti-unti nang nawawala, salamas sa inyong lahat ng mga naligaw ng landas dito) at ang pakontes eh nangangailangan ng matinding PR skills sa ibang mga bloggers.

Pero naniniwala akong mapasama ka man o hindi sa listahang 'yan, hangga't merong naliligaw ng landas sa kuta mo at natutuwa-namamangha-nakikiayon-natututo sa mga ipinagsususulat mo, sapat na 'yun para tawagin kang influential blogger.

At hindi ko na pahahabain pa ang litanyang 'to. Narito na ang listahan ni Lio Loco ng mga bagong blogs (mga blog na dapat eh sinimulan from May 1, 2008 onwards) na naging influential sa kaniya in one way or the other. Walang kinalaman ang pagkakasunud-sunod ng bilang sa listahan sa kung gaano sila naging influential sakin:

1. Writing to Exhale
- para sa malulupet na payong pang-manunulat bilang paghahanda sa long-term goal kong makapag-akda ng sarili kong nobela

2. Good Times Manila
- para sa walang katulad na hagalpak sa tawang satirikong panulat na nagsisilbing pantanggal umay ko sa kunsumisyon sa putahan dahil napaka-bobo ni Blondie Boplaks na customer ko

3. Talipandas Ang Itawag Mo Sa Akin
- para sa walang kasing lupet na talas ng pag-iisip at mapangahas kong sinasabing mas malupet pa kay Bob Ong kung babasahin ang lahat ng mga kabalahuraan isinatitik sa e-bahay niya

4. Tunay na Lalake
- para sa makalaglag-boxer shorts na pagpapaalalang ang tunay na lalake, laging nag-e-extra rice, hindi nagteteksbak at laging may tae sa brip.

5. Ang Mga Lihim ni Hudas
- para sa patunay sa kasabihang shit na walang malaking nakapupuwing at sa pagpapaalalang siya ay ako, tatlong taon pabalik.

6. Modern Patadyong
- para sa mga akdang sumasalamin sa katotohanang simple lang ang buhay at hindi talaga dapat kumplikado ang mga bagay-bagay

7. Organized Chaos
- para sa buhul-buhol na kabalintunaan-kabalahuraan sa wikang una kong minahal at pagpapatunay na ang magaling magsulat, kumakain ng libro

8. Yffar's World
- para sa mantrang nakikita ko lang sa napakakonting bilang ng mga androids at drones sa lipunang walang bayag

9. Stories from the Simian Crease
- para sa malulupet na kwentong Parekoi at inuman marathong walang katapusan

10. Ax Realm
- para sa kakaibang mundong maingat na binuo at malaon ay malayang ibinigay-pinagsaluhan sa iba pang mga bloggers ng blogosperyo

Sa totoo lang, marami pang ibang mas naging ma-impluwensiya sakin at aaminin kong sa lahat ng nabanggit sa listahan, ikaw ang pinakaimportante, ikaw na madalas na naliligaw ng landas dito. Pero hindi naman kita pwedeng ilagay sa listahan dahil ang "IKAW" ay kolektibong panghalip na tumutukoy sa lahat ng mga mambabasang tumawa, naki-emo moment, nakipagbatuhan ng sariling kuru-kuro, sumang-ayon, namangha, nanlibak, naghugas-kamay, tumambay, nakiusyuso, at nagbigay ng walang kasing kapal na "Nice post, ex-link?" comment sa bulagspot na 'to.

Para sa "IKAW" na walang sawang sumusubaybay sa mga kabalahuraan-idyosingkrasiya ko sa maliit na pook-sapot na 'to, walang humpay na pasasalamas!

Rainy Days Here I Cum...

Tag-ulan na!

Mayo pa lang pero pumupula-pulandit na ang tubig-baha sa kahabaan ng Maynila. Maya't maya eh biglang dumidilim ang langit at magbabagsakan ang tubig ulang pinasahol pa ng air pollution ng pukenginang lungsod na 'to. Patunay na nagbabago na nga talaga ang mundo. Global warming ngayon. Bukas makalawa, Final Judgment na. Handa ka na ba? Kung hindi pa, maghanap ka na ng kapareha bago pa mahuli ang lahat. Sinasabi ko sa'yo, pagsisisihan mo kapag hindi mo nasubukan. Fill in the blanks at baka ma-MTRCB tayo nang di oras.

Balik sa rainy day everyday...

Hindi ko alam kung dulot lang 'to ng pagkabangag ko sa trabaho't pananabik sa kama't unan dahil tatlong oras lang ang matinong tulog ko kanina. O siguro nga eh talagang pinalala lang ng tubig-ulan ang pagiging sintu-sinto kong Class S na nilalang. Pero naisip ko lang...


1. Bakit laging baha sa España maski na nagwiwisik-wisik lang naman si Papa God?

2. Ano ang feeling ng nagba-backstroke sa baha at maraming mga batang yagit ang dinaig pa si Michael Phelps sa paglangoy, mentras tigidig ang maruming tubig sa lumulutang na echas, patay na daga, gamit na condom, duguang napkin, at kung anu-ano pang samu't saring basura from Third World hell?

3. Ano ang lasa ng tubig-bahang malamang sa malamang eh nahihigop nila habang nag-uunahang magbida sa senglot na mga kaberks gamit ang freestyle, breast stroke, butterfly, at synchronized swimming teknik?

4. Paano idadampi ang mamasa-masang braso mo sa makinis at mainit-init na braso ng kasasakay lang na chick na katabi mo, wet look and all after coming on in out of the rain?

5. Masampal ka kaya kapag nagmapogi ka at ginamit ang litanyang nuknukan ng korni at semplang tulad nito: "Miss, jacket ka ba? 'Cause you give me warmth."?

6. Papano mo kukunin ang cellphone number niya na hindi ka mapagkakamalang manyakis na madalas mang-stalk sa kung saan-saan at kilala sa taguring "Boy Balandra" dahil sa sobrang pagkahilig mo sa exhibitionism at three-minute sex scandals?

7. Bakit masarap matulog sa bus kapag malamig ang panahon habang nakahilig ang ulo sa chick na katabi kaya lumalampas sa dapat babaan?

9. Nasubukan mo bang gawin 'to na hindi ka sinasampal ng katabi mo?

10. Bakit mas humahaba ang traffic kapag ganitong maulan sa daan?

11. Ano ang correlation ng lamig ng panahon sa init ng ulo ng mga hinayupak na jeepney drivers na walang patumangga sa pagbubusina sa daan?

12. Ganun na ba sila katanga para hindi mapagtantong walang magagawa ang pagbusina nila para mawala ang lecheng trapik sa sangka-Maynilaan?

13. Bakit naglipana sa mga ganitong makulimlim na panahon ang mga haliparot na ansarap pagkukurutin sa singit dahil deadma lang sa madlang nag-aabang ng sasakyan habang nakikipaglaplapan sa gitna ng daan?

14. At bakit napakamanhid nila para hindi makitang marami ang nag-aabang ng sasakyan kaya pwede lang eh pakabilis-bilisan nila ang paglalakad nila pero mukang nagmumuni-muni lang sa kawalan habang naglalambutsingan ang mga buwakanginang talipandas?

15. Masyado na ba nilang ramdam ang hagupit ng global recession at sa daan na nila ginagawa ang kahalayan, hindi sa kung saan mang SOGO Hotel ang pinakamalapit?

16. Bakit sa tuwing pagliko mo eh laging may nakabalandrang karatula ng SOGO Hotel?

17. Ganun na ba kalilibog ang mga Pilipino ngayon para maya't maya eh paalalahanang so clean, so good ang ekstrakurikular aktibidades?

18. Marami kaya ang nabubuntis kapag ganito kasarap ang panahon kumpara sa regular na mga araw?

19. Nahihigitan ba ng SOGO Hotel ang sales forecasting nila kapag ganitong maulan at malamig at makulimlim ang panahon?

20. Maganda kayang negosyo ang motel business?

21. Ano ang masarap kainin kapag ganito kalamig ang panahon?

22. Bukod sa pakikipag-kembyular pagtulog, ano pa ang masarap gawin kapag ganitong umuulan?

23. Bakit mas maliit kesa sa normal na laki ang pototoy kapag sobrang lamig ng panahon?

24. Bakit sa mga ganitong panahon lang nagsusulputan ang mga manholes at "Road under construction" signs at "This project is made possible through the initiative of Congressman Judas motherfuckin' Iscariot" billboards?

25. Sa pinakahuling estadistika, ilan na kaya ang nahulog sa manhole na 'to at tuluyan nang nilamon ng tubig-baha?

26. Bakit pala "manhole" ang tawag sa butas na papunta sa kung saan mang underground vault?

27. Bakit hindi siya tinawag na "womanhole"?

28. Dahil ba masyado nang malibog ang mga tao ngayon at pag sinabi mong "womanhole" eh iba na ang konotasyon ng mga taragis at naglalaway nang parang mga ulol na aso ang asta ng mga buwakangina?

29. Dapat ka bang magbayad sa mga make-shift instant tulay na ginagawa ng mga tambay sa tuwing bumabaha, silang mga nagpapalaki lang ng bayag nilang inutil na wala nang ibang mapagkakitaan, maski na alam mong ang tablang ginamit eh ninakaw lang sa katabing construction site?

30. Ano ang pwede mong itawag sa kanila: mapanlinlang sa kapwa't manggagantso o sadya lang talagang madiskarte't matalino?

31. Ano ang ginagawa mo sa tuwing makakakita ka ng mga kolehiyalang coño na tumitili at diring diri sa tubig-baha pero ang totoo naman eh mas mabaho pa ang sari-sariling kepyas kapag nagkakaron sila ng mens?

32. Hindi mo ba hinihiling na madulas na lang sana sila't mabosohan ng mga lalakeng umaalalay sa tulay para may instant live show naman sa gitna ng boring na kalsada?

33. Tuloy kaya ang diyos-diyosang pagparada ni Manny Paquiao sa Biyernes kung ganitong nagngingitngit ang panahon?

34. Hindi kaya nagka-swine flu bayrus na rin siya sa Amerika?

35. At kung sakali ngang tuloy ang Pakyaw Day na idineklara ng nakikisawsaw na de-nunal na babaeng pandak na nakaupo sa trono, hindi kaya mahawa ang mga tao sa kalakhang Maynila sa kaniya?

36. Kapag lumaganap ang swine flu bayrus dito, magkakaron ba ng epfidemic sa buong Pilipinas?

37. Ika-quarantine ba tayo tulad ng mga napapanood na recycled sci-fi plots sa pelikula?

38. Mararamdaman ko ba ang hagupit ng isang araw na kaltas sa pagpapakaputa kapag umabsent ako mamaya dahil masarap humilata at kumembyular matulog sa ganitong malamig na panahon?

39. Ano ang katanggap-tanggap na alibi sa bisor kung sakaling napag-tripan ko ngang 'wag na lang pumasok sa putahan mamaya?

40. At bakit gising pa ko ngayo't tumitipa ng walang kwentang kabalahuraang 'to gayong sabik na sabik na sa tulog ang mga talukap ng mata kong tinutukuran na lang ng tutpik?

Iba talaga ang nagagawa ng ulan eh no? Lumalabnaw ang utak at nagiging retarded. Ikaw, ano ang nangyayari sa'yo kapag ganitong naulanan ka ng mausok na tubig ng Maynila dahil tamad kang magdala ng payong o kapote?

Off-topic

Magbunyi ang mga reklamador na naliligaw nang landas dito nang madalas. Maski na labag sa kalooban ko eh tinanggal ko na ang paborito kong template alang-alang sa kapakanan niyong mga buwakangina kayo. Pinalitan ko ng mas mapusyaw na kulay nang sa gayon eh hindi na kayo mahirapang basahin ang mga taragis na comments niyo. Leche!

Sa susunod na magreklamo kayo ule rito, isasara ko na nang tuluyan ang walang kwentang kutang 'to. Hindi 'yan threat. Pramis! Nyahahaha!

PuTAGina Mo! (PuTAGina Mo Rin!)

You know what really annoys me about all these much-hyped social websites (e.g. Friendster or Facebook) strewn all over the bloody Internet entrails? It's when they tell you you've got friends across all the northern and southern hemisphere numbering to more than a thousand, neatly tuck up in rows and columns on your pathetic profile. And then there you are, the happy and contented Friendster-slash-Facebook freak, smiling silly knowing that the world loves you after all what with all the cardboard faceless fucks friends you've made - ego and morale boosted like a spurt of a viscous secretion of the male genitalia.

It's funny how some shallow bandwidth tab can tell you how close you are to coveting that Mister-slash-Miss Congeniality award judging by the number of "buddies" (emphasis on the quotes) you've made as of the last count when in truth you've never even met them in person. For chrissake, what exactly can you expect from a platonic relationship built upon mere pathetic "Hi! You look cute and hot. I'd like to add you as a friend." message templates! If this is the case, then I'd rather stick with my small clique of true pals who'd never betray me and leave me naked sprawling in the streets, puking my guts out when I'm dead drunk with ass kickin' Red Horse booze.

On second thought, I think they did that already. Fuckin' bastards. Haha!

But that's beside the point. The point is, ladies and gents, you can never maintain meaningful relationships of say 2,328 friends given the very limited concept of time. Some random FYI: There's a limit to the number of close friends you can have in a lifetime and that's between 6 and 12. Which goes to show all these freakin' social sites are selling you pure and simple A-hole gimmickry. You know what they tell you about pitiful suckers? There's always one born every minute. And the proliferation of these senseless social sites proves the point.

So yes, I am bashing Friendster and Facebook and Multiply and whatever social site you might be subscribed to at the moment and I am condemning you for allowing these megalomaniac enterprises to get filthy rich by exploiting your retarded social needs. Heck, you deserve better than that honestly. The fact that you're reading this blog is one strong proof of your imbecilic tendencies above-average intelligence quotience, hence the call for more worthwhile recreation other than approving testimonials and friend requests from some ill-disguised sex perv out there who only wants you as a friend because you look like a San Fernando Valley bitch in a scrimpy birthday suit.

And when I say you deserve something better, that includes sparing me with all these tag hullabaloos in the not-too-distant blogging future, which all of these social sites seem to never run out of apparently(great segue, eh?) . Haha!

Kidding of course. As I am aware being tagged is some form of flattery and privilege in the entire Pinoy Bloggywood macrocosm, and since I'm running out of sensible ideas for future posts other than the resident booze drinking sprees I seem to always bore you through (I noticed just now how majority of my posts have been beer-laden so far apparently. Does that equate to how effin' drunkard drunkard I already am lately? Tsk tsk tsk!), I am compelled to finish some tags that my forgetful cranial muscle can recall and which I find quite sensible and funny, at the very least. If you don't see your tag here, just spank my ass hard within the four confines of this blog and remind me about it. I'll do it once I meet Miss Writer's Block again in my sleep-deprived nocturnal existence.

Here goes nothing...

*Six (6) Unimportant Things That Make Me Happy

1. This blog's comments. I'm pretty sure you can relate to this when some bandwidth bystander out there drops by your e-abode and writes a comment regarding your recent post, never mind if it's thickly written in an in-your-face "Nice post. Visit my site too!" template or heck, even its close crass relative of "Haha! That's funny. Ex-link?" when what you've written was how exactly you got busted by the woman you've been eyeing for awhile now. I know when people comment but haven't read the blog post and I know those who sincerely do; but don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining. They're still upping my stats anyway. So yeah, my deepest sense of gratitude. Oh and yes, I won't name names. I love all the peeps who lose their way in this piece of domain. Hahaha!

2. Day off. You know what day it is today? It's Wednesday Thursday and it's still four three days away before I get a break from all the call whoring crabbiness. Four Three frackin' days, for chrissake! If I become the president of this country, I will sign a decree allowing people who are really stressed out from their gawddamn boring jobs to file a day's leave to breathe in some Zen shit and get rid of all the stress toxins in their bodies. It will be called the DICK (Dire Implementation of a Checklist to Kick ass) Leave. I know, I know. I'd make a good president so could you please hush now and stop throwing those flailing arms around me already? Haha!

Postscript: Geez, I'm really sleepy when I wrote this. It was apparently Thursday not Wednesday as I've orginally written. My bad! Lol!

3. Wrist watch. It's odd really how I always look pretty composed when I'm wearing a watch considering that I'm almost always late for work and more often than not, I show up chrono-challenged during dates, meetings, and appointments. Honestly, I can't leave the house without wearing one on my left wrist and I don't even know why. Haha! Now, that's one queer paradox!

4. Tattered shorts. There's this one pair of jeans that I've ripped off as a pair of everyday shorts due to its wear and tear and I've always worn that piece of douchebag clothing, never mind if I look every inch a sidewalk beggar asking for alms. I like the pair of shorts very much that now it can't even be laundried in the washing machine for fear of shredding the wool strands to ripped destruction. For some reason, it reminds me that I am just a human after all, ripped with shreds of imperfectness and shortcomings, of redundancies and sentemotional ironies.

5. Rainy days. Blame it on my being an introvert or my having lived in cool Baguio for a sizeable amount of time but I've always liked somber weathers more than the perky, sunny days. Never mind the beach and the bitches, the sun and the sands; I will never trade the feeling of just staying indoors, or reading your favorite young adult novel under bed covers, or watching a rom-com (read: romantic comedy) flick with someone close to you, or sharing that sumptuous feast of hot cocoa and chocolate tarts with your significant other, or just simply sharing the cool and sober weather with the beau in cuddles over summer's flirtings. Nothing compares, indeed!

6. Booze sessions. Don't stress the obvious. That's being redundant. Need I say more? Lol!


*Six (6) Hates And Pet Peeves

1. Pseudo-bibliophiles. Oh I gawddamn hated it when all this much-ballyhooed Twilight book began to become a hype here because I've almost always come across some pseudo-literati from hell who would nonchalantly display their hardbound copies for all the whole wide world to see, never mind if they have a bag or some freakin' compartment to put the book into. Heck, they'd even go inside claustrophobic MRT shuttles risking to be tripped , holding the handle bars with just one hand because yes, they have the fuckin' Twilight copy on the other. I mean, come on book bozos, what message are you trying to convey? That you read books? That you're in? That you have a copy of that effin' Meyer book and I don't? Oh, puh-leaze! If there's anything that you've clearly illustrated, it's how you lack literary taste for reading such a one-hit-wonder novel. And don't even get me started on the books themselves.

2. Racist customers. Thank gawd I haven't had one too many calls involving these type of customers yet because I can easily pass as one genuine American-accented agent on the phone. I've never been branded an Indian as well (that's the worst berating you can get as a call center whore) and a lot of my customers are actually surprised when I tell them I'm from a Third World country and I was born and raised here but there are some times when a customer calls in asking where are you located before you can even deliver your opening spiel and, after finding out you're not American, asks for a supervisor because he thinks you're a good-for-nothing brown monkey who does not know what he's doing and who only reads from a script.

True, we are required to memorize scripts but that's only for the opening and closing spiels and that's where the parroting ends. The rest is pure technical prowess that can only be based on how good your logic and quick thinking is. You know what I do when I get to answer these kind of customers? I push the mute button and hurl out crisp R18 profanities in vernacular. It's a good thing I don't have to do that often as I am blessed to have decent and polite albeit non-techie customers most of the time.

3. Third World traffic from hell. The unfortunate circumstance should be a given as I am leaving in a city where one square meter of lot would probably stack around ten persons in density but I think I am still in a state of denial, having lived and breathed Baguio's light traffic for a considerable period of time. And yes, it would really be a different perspective if the annoyance and disgust you get from bumper-to-bumper queue isn't multiplied several times by the polluted and frizzling city heat.

4. Jeepney drivers who honk their horns like mad. Up to this day, I still cannot quite fathom what good does honking your horn in a traffic-paralyzed narrow road do aside from earning the dagger looks of your passengers and the boisterous hotheadedness of the other drivers. I mean, fuckin' grow up jeepney drivers! Honking your gawddamn horns won't clear away the road and get rid of the traffic. If anything it just makes every fucked up traffic situation worse than it already is. Also, it makes your obvious abysmal etiquette more apparent than it is already is.

5. Badass bullies. I haven't experienced being beaten to pulps by a bully when I was still in school back then as I'm someone who was respected and well-revered (out-of-the-ordinary intelligence plus being the principal's nephew does that to you...haha!) but just seeing one dumb troll beating a scrawny pup just makes my blood boil. Why do these high school caricatures hide their imbecilic tendencies with mean brawniness anyway? And how come they're always carved out in one cardboard mold: big-boned shoulders with minute cranial muscles?

6. John Lloyd Mongoloid Cruz. I know I'll receive an enormous flak for this but whaddaheck, everyone's entitled to his or her own opinion and it just so happened this matinee idol whose getting colegiala shrieks and underwear throws wherever he goes is simply a badass fail for me. There simply is no accounting for taste, indeed! Three reasons: One, he does not look that good in TV (notice the receding hair line and the Chicago Bulls nostrils). Two, he stole Sarah Geronimo from me. Three, he's doing the "fuck you" gesture in all those Biogesic billboards and nobody even has the guts to point it out. Tsk tsk tsk! Oh and yes, I'd definitely look better than him if I get to add a few more pounds and if I get to at least have one visit in one of those Vicky Belo clinics. Harhar!

*Six (6) Things Lio Needs

How it works: Google your first name plus the word needs and put in quotes. Hence, in my case, “Lio needs." Afterwards, post the first ten results (mine's only six as I'm dead tired and I haven't had sleep yet. Zzzzz...). You'll be surprised with the engine results, I tell you. Mine's bordering from unbelievable truth to plain lunacy. Go figure! Lol!

Of course, Googling Lio would only show a few results since the name Lio is unpopular (as opposed to the more common spelling of the name, which is Leo) so for this tag, I'm using my real first name. Haha!

1. Lio needs to get in touch with me after 2 months. Okay, let me just clarify this. If you're a woman with stunning looks who closely resemble the aesthetic features of this woman or this woman or this woman, then by all means, may I get in touch with you just about now because I don't think I can wait for two months' time yet. If you're a man who seeks M2M resuscitation though, sorry, you can wait for a lifetime and a quarter.

2 Lio needs to get brownie points! As I have yet to take a sleep after nine hours of call whoring work and gawd knows how malfunctioning my synapses and neurons seem to already be, please define brownie. My mind is processing a different meaning of brownie at the moment and I don't think this is suitable for the young audiences of this blog.

3. Lio needs to puffin up his cheeks a bit more. Lol! Fine, I'll try to do the weights regimen more often than what I am currently doing. Blame it on laziness. Haha! And please don't stress how horizontally-challenged I am. I have my own subconscious to lash out that small sickening truth. I don't need your help in the whipping.

4. Lio needs to be open 24 hours a day, seven days a week. You hit the G-spot right there, Mister Google! Lol! I'm a call center whore and coincidentally, I work at a company whose name very closely incorporates some of the words in the first sentence. Haha!

5. Lio needs a combination of good management and good governance in order to be effective. Hold on mister, are you telling me I can't be a good leader? Oh come on! I'm THE Great Procrastinator and I don't need your good management shit to be effective. I work best when I procrastinate and I orgasm with creative juices when pressured. Eat that shit!

6. Lio needs to go and. Incomplete thought I see. Pretty perfect though as I need to go and drool my way off to dreamland already. Whew! Oh and by the way, pardon the typographical errors. Have not edited this post yet. Must. hit. the. bed. and. sleep. Zzzzzz...

I noticed that this blogging activity has been taking and demanding a huge chunk of my time for the past few days now. Gawd knows how I've been missing the eight-hour doze mark that I've always been accustomed to. What do you say if I impose another indefinite hiatus, you guys?

Haha. Kidding.

No but really, I am dead-serious. Would you take it against me if I close this blog for an indefinite period of time? Lol!

Now I know you'll brand me as a selfish dick if I won't be tagging some other bloggers to do the same yadda yadda shit. But really, I'm doing you a favor by not tagging you. If you insist though, go ahead and feel free to post your own version of this 666 Tag Triple Combo.

So yeah, for whatever this is worth, you've been tagged!

*tagged by reesie, iris, and yoshke

Ten Things I Did While Home Alone

The problem with being a call center whore is you don't get to have holidays like any regular young urban professionals out there.

You get stuck in answering boorish overseas calls about how good ol' Johnny Doe cannot connect to the Internet only to find out he apparently has not yet connected the modem to a power outlet. You get to stare infront of a lifeless circuit of gigabytes and microchips and listen to some random ranting of a racist American customer while everyone else spends the Christmas and New Year holidays with their families and friends. You slave away the seemingly endless hours in your fucked up swivel chair while the rest of the taxpayers gallivant and tan their brown skins in pristine archipelago beaches teeming with bitches (pun intended). Heck, the only consolation that we, call whores, get from all these inevitable setbacks is the fact that we're being paid double the regular rate during these diminutive ruler-decreed holiday dates.

This Lent was no different. While most of the Manila dwellers were in the rush escaping this gawddamn city of smoke and polluted air, packing their suitcases like mad and squeezing their fat asses on the terminal line to catch the last trip to their respective provinces, there I was answering calls upon fuck-me-Freddy calls in my call whoring job, every inch closer to busting the AVAYA phone to the hell-cursing New Yorker's head. The housemates, being the normal nine-to-fivers that they are, had the luxury to go on a four-day vacation of seas and sands, of healthy provincial breeze and roads devoid of irritating PUJ honkers and traffic jams.

And so I was left alone in that gawddamn boring apartment, stuck within the creepy confines of the hollow Pasig abode all by myself with nothing to keep me company but my Parokya parodied birdie and his two delinquent egg yolks. How pathetic.


Nope, I would like to disappoint you early on by saying that I did not masturbate nor fucked my next-door neighbor’s wife, you sick pervert! For chrissake it was the Holy Week, supposedly a week allotted by the Roman Catholics to pseudo-repent and clear one's devirginized mind of worldly distractions. I had my own share of such deep musings and whatever confessions I had would just have to be between me and the Guy Up There.

I thought of quirky, out-of-this-world things to do though just to stab the bore that was killing me slowly. Here's a rundown of the ten things I did while replicating Kevin McCallister's life as a home junkie spending the Christmas holidays all by himself (whatever happened to Macaulay Culkin by the way?).

1. Made the apartment one big piece of laundry basket. Please don't be turned off if I tell you I have ounces of sloven (read: burara) blood in me. Well, just ounces anyway. The four days saw used clothes on the table, dirty boxers on top of the fridge, and three pairs of shorts randomly thrown anywhere near between the kitchen sink and the actual laundry basket. Haha! What do you expect? I'm almost always late from work, I have to travel for gawd-knows-how-many miles from Pasig to Makati by means of three commuting public utility vehicles, but I cannot, for the love of gawd, wake up right away after putting the alarm clock to yet another five minute's snooze (everyone else does that anyway).

2. Went on a Nissin cup noodles-slash-Century Tuna-slash-Lucky Me Pancit Canton diet. Fine, I'm a slob. I'm guilty so shoot me. I know how to cook (well at least, my friends tell me my tinolang manok tastes bloody fine..hakhak!) but everytime I go home from work, I feel like hitting the pillows right away because of too much fatigue and harassment from those moronic Occidentals who think customers are really always right even if the problem they're calling about all boils down to their imbecilic tendencies anyway. Would you blame me then if I resort to convenient, no frills, instant food for calorie content? Heck, just the other day, the Chowking Spicy Chicken and Beef Chao Fan I had for lunch was the only source of energy I had up until the next morning. Alms, alms...spare me a piece of bread.

3. Finally finished writing the short story loosely inspired by Neil Gaiman's prose. This one's a long overdue backlog that I seemed to have had no time to wrap up because well, there were a lot of other more important backlogs. I am the Great Procrastinator, you see. Or didn't you know? Haha! I have to thank Messynuthead for were it not for her constant reminder for me to bring the Smoke and Mirrors book to work, which apparently I kept on forgetting, I would not have finished this flash fiction. I have yet to polish the end product though as I've taken the habit to let a work become stale and untouched for a few days before reading it back to ensure that I'm not biased when nitpicking what needs to be nitpicked. That's a pointer for you, frustrated writer wannabe. Lol! Oh and yes, I'll be publishing that here some time soon.

4. Watched Harry Potter over and over again until I memorized most lines by heart, including the bloody British English accent. I don't need to stress the obvious that I'm one certified HP freak, do I? (*hint hint for Lio Loco's future birthday gift* Lolz!). It's funny how I can barely make something sensible out of what the characters are saying, what with all the missing rolling R's and heavily pronounced T's, but still understand the dialogue just the same. Maybe because I've read the books for innumerable times already and the texts on the books have been eventually imprinted on me. Gawd I can't wait what Professor Slughorn will look like in the big screen come July.

5. Swigged one strawberry wine on my own. It's supposed to be reserved as one of the prizes for my pathetic Mammary Awards but whaddaheck, judging by the response of my dear three readers, I don't think I need extra bottles. No worries, Lovely, by the looks of it, it seems the Baguio goodies are on their way to your house. Pray tell you're the only blogger who'd be interested with one ingenious piece of wooden erotic carving, one big bottle of strawberry wine, assorted package of ube jam, strawberry jam, crinkles, or choco flakes, and a cute dream catcher cellphone accessory. Haha! And by the way, you see your website when you hover the mouse pointer to your name? That's a hyperlink and that's what I meant when I said I want a link-back of my site from your entry post. Lol!

6. Tried to read Gabriel Garcia Marquez's Love In The Time Of Cholera but failed miserably. I know, this book is supposed to be one great read what with the Nobel Prize accolade the author received but the long, dizzying prose Marquez is using just makes me drool on my pillow in a jiffy. His verbosity is really too descriptive and dense for a reader that has quick attention spans and loves orgasmic three-minute quickies. Kidding on the last part. Haha! But really, while I am still not giving up on finishing this much-acclaimed piece of literature, I think I'll put it in the backseat for the meantime and read conversational J.D. Salinger instead until I finally find the courage and resolve to read a 30-word per sentence prose.

7. Snitched some Ferrero chocolate from a housemate's prized confectionery box. You know the sentence above about how I only had measly Chao Fan for lunch-dinner-and lunch the next day because of sheer laziness? I sneaked one Rocher fine hazelnut chocolate after waking up in the middle of the night and ate it without any remorse or regret to get me some energy 'till dawn. I am replacing that anyway once I hit some nearby grocery so by definition that is not called stealing. You must deduce by now how I'm good at rationalizing. Hakhak!

8. Let plates and glasses and spoons and forks pile up the sink 'till it stank like hell in the kitchen. Before you throw those daggers of disgust and aversion towards me, let me just tell you that while I type this entry, save the pot where the rice was cooked, the kitchen sink's all clean now - devoid of ants line-up and swirling flies and roaches visits. Would you still want me as your would-be boyfriend though? Haha!


9. Brought the WWE ring unintentionally in the room. One of the reasons why boys couldn't be left fending for themselves is the sheer monstrosity of chaos and topsy-turviness they create after leaving a place. I believe it is a given. So I say it is also a given when you leave the room disorganized -- pillows thrown in every direction, bed mattresses halfway down the floor, and creased bed covers perfectly disguised as floor carpets -- while running like mad to avoid being tardy for the umpteenth time at work.

10. Ran around the house barenaked. Nyahahaha! I'm not kidding. I did walk around the apartment with nary a piece of clothing or underwear and it felt cool and liberating. This was an idea by my teammate Flip who confessed that he did go around their house naked if he's alone just for the heck of it. At first, it seemed like something coming from a psycho maniac's perspective but on second thought, there seemed to be nothing wrong with the act. You're just running around the house barenaked anyway, not filming any fornication cut like those blonde and blue-eyed porn stars from San Fernando Valley. Nope, I am not posting my naked pictures here for fear of driving my moralistic readers away. I'm leaving the hanging pendulum up to your imagination, you sex perverts! Haha!

BONUS: Shaved my balls. Yeah, I forgot to tell you this minute bit. I shaved my pubic hair because all the bushy undergrowth has often than not made me twitch in irritation lately, especially if the strands get tangled while traveling on a bus. Don't tell me you don't know what I'm talking about because I'm pretty sure you've experienced this messy discomfort before yourself. And don't be a hypocrite by telling me how erotically sick I am. It's part of hygiene, man! Oh and yes, there's this immense public acceptance claiming that shaven testicles make for better sex. The ladies like it plus the fact that it makes everything look bigger. Not that I need it to look bigger. Haha! Again, it's for personal hygiene you twisted voyeurs! To shave or not to shave: that is the question. What do you think? Nyahahaha!

Happy EGGster everyone!

25 Desultorily Picked (Fucks) Facts And/Or Pseudo-Truths About the Narcissistic, Angst-ridden Bastard in Orgiastic Moans Recluse

Tingnan natin kung hindi magkandabali-balinguyngoy ang mga taragis na ilong niyo ngayon sa pagbabasa ng pamagat ng blog post na ‘to. Parusa ‘yan sa mga siraulong ayaw na ‘kong magsulat sa Ingles, sa wikang mas hiyang ako noon pa, sa lenggwaheng ang sarap makipaglandian gamit ang talentadong dila ko, sa titik kung saan una akong nahumaling at natuliro nang bonggang bongga.

Nosebleed.

Hindi dapat ito ang topic ng post ko ngayon pero leche! Etong gagong siraulong maddapakingshet na Malditong ‘to eh sinali pa ko sa mga katarantaduhang pinaggagawa niya sa pook-sapot niya. Anak ng pating talaga, oo! Pahirap talaga sa buhay ‘tong si Maldito eh. Parang napakalaking jebs na pahirapan mong ilalabas. Nananahimik ako rito tas bigla-bigla akong itatag? Tsk tsk tsk! At humirit pa ‘tong si VanVan na mas lalo pa kong pinahirapan dahil ginawa niyang bente singko ang dapat sana’y sampung taena ni Maldito Gavin. VanVan, dahil babae ka at mukang nag-uumapaw ang alindog mo sa main pic ng bulagspot mo (hehehe), abswelto ka sa pagngingitngit ko ngayon. Kay Maldito Gavin lang talaga papunta ang mga angas projectile ko ngayon sa puke ng inang tag na ‘to. Lolz!

Di bale sana kung si Kuya Badoods ang nag-tag sakin. Kung sakaling ang blog aydol ko ngang si Mythical Badoodles ang nagsabi sana saking “…at ikaw Lio Loco, ang younger version kong malufeet at super nosebleed mag-Ingles, ang younger version kong pareho ko ng disposisyon sa buhay, tinatag kita sa 10 Random Ekek na ‘to,” malamang sa malamang, magpapakipot muna siguro ako ng mga sampung segundo. Marahil pagkatapos ng dalawa’t kalahating beses na pag-iisip, tsaka naman ako ora-oradang haharap sa kompyuter para itipa ang 25 10 Random Facts Ekek.

Hindi ako sumasagot sa mga ganitong klaseng meme ekek sa tanang buhay ko. Namumutiktik ang Friendster Bulletin ko ng mga ganitong katarantaduhan at wala akong panahon para basahin sila, higit lalong sagutan at ipamudmod pa sa ibang walang magawa sa buhay kundi gumawa nang gumawa ng mga ganitong kaekekan. Sayang ang effort sa pagtipa ng letra. Sayang pa ang bandwidth ng net koneks na ginamit para sa alang kakwenta-kwentang meme shitnitz tulad nito. Pero alang-alang sa katahimikan ng sangkablogosperyahan, at dahil nahihiya rin naman daw ako sa A for ey-ffort ng mga taragis na taong nag-tag sakin (maski na hindi ko sila kilala nang personal at dito `sa mundong malawak na sapot ko lang sila nakadaupang palad), eto na ang dalawampu’t limang walang kakwenta-kwentang paks you tungkol sa narsisistikong’t maangas na nyetang nagkukuta sa pook sapot na to.

Tulad ng naunang tag ni Kuya Badoodles na tinag si Maldito na nyemes namang tinag ako nang bonggang bongga, isa sa sampung random facts ang kwentong barbero. Ngayon, dahil bente-singko ang pinapagawa sakin ni VanVan, and applying the principle of ratio and proportion (at pinairal ko pa talaga ang pagkasinto-sinto ko sa Math), dalawa’t kalahati sa mga babanggitin ko ang jokeness bola-bola asado lang. Oo, dalawa’t kalahati. Dalawa ang in-your-face hoax at ‘yung isa rito, kalahating totoo, kalahatang bluff lang.

Magkaalaman na. ‘Yung makakahula sa dalawa’t kalahating mali, pinahihintulutan ko nang kagatin ang pototoy ko adam’s apol ko.

1. Allergic ako sa tao. Hindi ako mahilig makipagharutan sa mga taong ang bisyo sa buhay eh makipag EB at makipag sexmate textmate nang bonggang bongga. Wala akong account sa Multiply, Plurk, Twitter, Facebook, at kung anu-ano pang social site ekek at ang kaisa-isang Friendster account ko na piniliy lang ipagawa sakin ng utol ko eh minsan sa isang dekada ko lang nabibisita.Oops...Pati pala Firendster ko dinelete ko na rin. Haha. I value my anonymity a lot.

2. Mahilig akong magsuot ng jacket pandagdag volume maski na wala na 'ko sa Baguio. Pakshet! Namiss ko tuloy bigla ang Baguio.

3. Half-chinese ang aking runaway daddy at bukod sa taragis na tatay responsibility, ipinamana niya sakin ang kakuriputan ng mga lahing Intsik. Noon, bigay sa luho kaming mag-utol dahil medyo may kaya ang sperm cell donor ko. Pero nung taym na nagpasya ang mga magulang naming magsulian na lang ng kandila na akala eh parang bahay-bahayan lang ang lahat, naranasan kong pumasok sa iskul nang kumakalam ang sikmura at panay pacute at pabibo lang sa teachers ang baon. Eto yung mga taym na iniwan na namin ang Maynila at sa probinsiya na nagsimulang batakin ang mga hamon ng buhay. Naalala ko nga pala. Hindi ko pa tapos ‘yung saksak-puso tulo ang dugong liham ko kay Ate Charo na ipapadala ko sa Magpakailanman.

4. Isa akong latebloomer at hanggang ngayon eh muka pa rin DAW akong totoy. Ganiyan talaga ang beybi peys. Lolz!

5. Kaliwete ako, but not in the strictest sense of the word dahil istik tu wan pa rin ako. Mahilig akong magdurowing, magsulat, magpinta, mag-sketch, kumatha ng tula at ang sabi ng mga teacher kong binola-bola ko nang di-iilang beses na hawig nila si Armida Seguion-Reyna para bigyan ako ng mataas na marka, isa raw akong gifted child. In tagalog, tarantadong talentadong bata ako.

6. Muntik na kong maging magna cum laude nung college pero dahil nawili ako sa ekstra kurikular aktibidades, paglalakwatsa at pambababae pag-toma nang bonggang bongga, nakulangan ako ng 0.76 sa general average ko. (FYI: Hindi uno, dos, tres ang basehan ng grade namin; 97-100 'yung para sa Summa, 94-96.99 'yung para sa Magna; at 88 - 93.99 'yung para sa Cum Laude).

7. Kamuntik na kong mamatay nung bata pa ‘ko dahil nabutas ang noo ko ng tubo ng gripo sa sobrang kalikutan ko. Syemre naman, learning stage kaya ‘yun. Eh di kung saan-saan ako nagsususuot kesehodang magmistula na kong living faucet ng blood and gore.

8. Lagi akong naka-company ID maski na ala na ‘ko sa pinagkakaputahan ko sa Makati dahil takot akong baka mawala na naman, sumabit sa dyip, o madukot ng mga hinayupak na magnanakaw sa kahabaan ng Taft ang ID ko. Taragis. Ang mahal kaya ng pagpapagawa ng panibagong ID. Papagawa ka pa ng affidavit of loss. Imadyin da konsumeyshun!


9. Madalas akong late sa iskul nung hayskul at college at ngayong nagpapakaputa na ‘ko sa Makati, hindi ko pa rin matanggal-tanggal ang sakit na ‘to. Noon, wala akong pakialam kung dumating man ako sa klase nang 30 minutes late at kebs ko rin kung kanina pa umaatangal ang teacher namin kakadakdak sa harap ng klase. Basta na lang akong umuupo sa upuan ko nang walang pasintabi at parang walang nangyari. Katwiran ko kasi, maski na hindi ko napakinggan ang lektyur niyang ni-rephrase lang naman ang laman ng libro, kaya ko pa ring mag-self study. Ngayon, wala pa rin akong pakialam maski late ako ng pasok sa putahan kuta namin sa Makati dahil bangenge to the max ako kagabi. Ahhh…binabawi ko na. Nanghihinayang pala ‘ko dahil malaki ang kaltas ng mga pagkalate ko sa trabaho. Araguy!

10. OC ako sa grammar at diction. Wala akong pakialam kung kaibigan pa kita. Kapagka ikaw eh nagkamali sa pagbigkas sa English o mali-mali ang grammar mo, ikokorek at ikokorek kita sa mismong oras at mismong lugar na nagkamali ka. Kaya kung ako sa’yo, magpakatotoo ka. Kung hindi mo kayang mag-Ingles, wag na at baka mapasagot ka pa ng “My pamili…my pamili’s role for me is very imfortant ‘coz there was…they was…they’re was the one…Hahaha! Ahm…Sorry guyz! This is really my perst pageant ever because I’m only 17 yeards old and…ahahaha!” Naknampucha! Sisihin ba ang edad?

11. Ayoko sa mga taong stereotype at higi’t lalong ayokong ikinakahon ako sa mga stereotypical na pamamaraan. Wag kang magpapansin dahil unang una, ako ang papansin sa’yo pag natipuhan kita. Swerte mo kapagka natuwa ako sa’yo. Ibig sabihin nun, gusto ko ang sarili mong istilo at ipinapalagay kong magka-wavelength tayo. Kung hindi man tayo parehong siraulo, malamang sa malamang, kaya ako natutuwa sa’yo eh dahil merong isang bagay sa’yo na tulad ng sa ‘kin. Naintindihan mo ba? Kung hindi, hindi tayo bati dahil hindi tayo magka-wavelength. Behlat!

12. Hindi ako marunong magbasketbol. At isa iba pang sports bukod sa chess (Y'un eh kung maituturing na sports ang chess. Huhlolz!). Sa payat ko ba namang ‘to, makikipag-umpugan pa ko sa mga maskels ng mga PBA basketbolistang parang bato sa laki ng mga katawan?

13. May nunal ako sa parehong magkabilang sentido. Patunay na isa akong gifted child at nahahanay sa pangkat nina Albert Einstein, Leo Da Vinci, Bill Gates, Vincent Van Gogh, at Sylvia Plath. Walang kokontra. Twentipayb ekek ko ‘to. Gumawa ka ng iyo.

14. Mahilig akong magbasa. Harry Potter. The Lord of the Rings. Angela's Ashes. Stephen King. Neil Gaiman. Jessica Zafra. Bob Ong. Roald Dahl. The Catcher in the Rye. Philippine Star. Philippine Daily Inquirer. Conrado de Quiros. Patricia Evangelista. Porn Magazine. Maski ano babasahin ko, wag lang ang putanginang Twilight.

15. Mahilig akong sumakay sa harapang upuan ng dyip, sa tabi ng mamang drayber. Ayokong nakikipagsiksikan ako sa pangsampuang upuang (walo’t kalahati kapagka nakasakayan mo si Dabiana) ginagawang para sa labindalawang katao ng nyetang kunduktor, pasigaw na sinasabing magkabilaan pa raw eh obyus namang kalahating pwet mo na lang ang nakasayad sa lecheng upuan. Sa harap, bukod sa komportable ka na, perpek pwesto pa para mag-spot ng pekpek chick na dumadaaan.

16. Meron akong bruxism o yung tinatawag nilang grinding teeth disorder. Hindi ko alam kung ba’t hanggang ngayon eh buo pa rin ang ipin ko pero ayon sa mga kakilala ko, madalas daw eh para akong ngumangata ng isang supot ng chichacorn kapagka himbing na himbing sa pagtulog. Ayon sa mga eksperto, isa raw itong manifestation ng stress, nervous tension o anger. Na hindi ko naman itinatanggi. Marami akong reklamo sa buhay at punumpuno ako ng angas sa katawan. Kung kani-kanino? Hindi ko na iisa-isahin. Nyeta! Kaw ba naman ang bumatak sa tatay responsibilities nang napakaaga, ewan ko lang kung hindi ka maenrol sa anger management class nang di oras.

17. Meron akong one-year-old, cute na cute na anak sa Baguio na hindi ko na madalas mabisita dahil andito ako sa Maynila pero bibisitahin ko pa rin sa katapusan ng buwang ito. Hindi na kami ng mama niya (irreconcilable differences…naks! may nalalaman pa talaga ‘kong irrecon-reconcilable differences. lolz!) pero sinusuportahan ko ang bata. Namimiss na kita Baby Leonard ko. Uwi si Papa diyan sa katapusan.

18. Lagi akong naka-imbisibol istatus sa YM dahil ayokong naiistorbo ako sa ginagawa ko pero gusto ko pa ring makita kung sino ang online.

19. Mahilig ako sa mani cashew nuts. Ang tatawa, manyak!

20. Mid-term goal ko ang makaalis ng bansa at yumaman nang bonggang bongga bago ako mag-trenta. Sa ngayon, may humigit-kumulang isang dekada pa ko para tuparin yun. Kaya pa.

21. Namamangha ako kay Dexter Morgan at dahil sa sobrang pagka-aydol ko sa kaniya, minsan naiisip ko ring maging serial killer na papatay sa mga hinayupak na nilalang na hindi na dapat sinisikatan ng araw sa mundong ibabaw. Pramis, kung mabubuhay man ako ule sa after-life (yun eh kung meron ngang after-life), mabubuhay ako sa katauhan ni Dexter Morgan. Siyang siya ako. Older version lang.

22. Hindi ako masyadong mahilig sa music pero lumaki akong nakikipagbasagan ng gitara (maski na hindi ako marunong maggitara) sa himig ng Huling El Bimbo at ng iba pang musika ng Eraserheads. Peyborit song ko sa mga awitin nila ‘yung Hard to Believe. I wanted life to be this way, just a little bit of love could mean so much. O please don’t take it all away, but with you heaven is still close enough to touch. Oha oha! Hehehe.

23. Isa akong nyetang perpeksyunista dahil ayon kay Madam Auring, likas iyon sa mga Virgo. Kung ano ang kinalaman ng pagka-Virgo ko sa ugali ko eh kayo na ang bahalang magkonek. Wala ako sa mood para uriratin pa ang yadda yadda maddapakingshet ng mga manghuhulang yan.

24. Wala akong sense of direction. Pero hindi pa rin ako magtatanong maski magkandawala-wala na ‘ko. Gut feel na lang ang paiiralin ko pag nagkaganun.

25. Pessimistic ako. Bali-baliktarin mo man ang mundo, half-empty pa rin ang tingin ko sa kalahating baso ng alak sa mesa mo.

Ayun. Puke ng ina! Natapos din. VanVan at Gavin (Uuy..bagay ah! Ginawang item? Bwahahaha!), sa susunod na itatag niyo ko, gawin niyo pang mas mahaba ha. Gawin niyong pipti o kung medyo sinipag-sipag naman kayo, 100 na lang. Nasisisiwan ako eh. Lolz! Taena. Jokeness lang. Parang awa niyo na, last na ‘to. Ayokong dumugo ang utak ko kakaisip ng mga katarantaduhang shitness tulad nito.

At kung akala niyo eh dito na nagtatapos ang lahat, nagkakamali kayo. Hindi ko palalampasin ang araw na ‘to na hindi ipinapatikim sa ibang blogger ang hirap, pasakit, at dugo’t pawis na kelangan mong ibuwis para lang maalala ang kung anu-anong kaekekan sa buhay mo. Sa puntong ito, tinatag ko ang lahat ng mga nilalang na  walang sawang bumibisita sa walang kwentang kutang ‘to.

Ang hindi tumupad sa tag na ‘to, hindi ko na ka-wavelength. At hindi na tayo bati. Period. No erase. Itaga niyo ule yan sa mga pekpek at betlogs niyo bato!