The problem with being a call center whore is you don't get to have holidays like any regular young urban professionals out there.You get stuck in answering boorish overseas calls about how good ol' Johnny Doe cannot connect to the Internet only to find out he apparently has not yet connected the modem to a power outlet. You get to stare infront of a lifeless circuit of gigabytes and microchips and listen to some random ranting of a racist American customer while everyone else spends the Christmas and New Year holidays with their families and friends. You slave away the seemingly endless hours in your fucked up swivel chair while the rest of the taxpayers gallivant and tan their brown skins in pristine archipelago beaches teeming with bitches (pun intended). Heck, the only consolation that we, call whores, get from all these inevitable setbacks is the fact that we're being paid double the regular rate during these diminutive ruler-decreed holiday dates.
This Lent was no different. While most of the Manila dwellers were in the rush escaping this gawddamn city of smoke and polluted air, packing their suitcases like mad and squeezing their fat asses on the terminal line to catch the last trip to their respective provinces, there I was answering calls upon fuck-me-Freddy calls in my call whoring job, every inch closer to busting the AVAYA phone to the hell-cursing New Yorker's head. The housemates, being the normal nine-to-fivers that they are, had the luxury to go on a four-day vacation of seas and sands, of healthy provincial breeze and roads devoid of irritating PUJ honkers and traffic jams.
And so I was left alone in that gawddamn boring apartment, stuck within the creepy confines of the hollow Pasig abode all by myself with nothing to keep me company but my Parokya parodied birdie and his two delinquent egg yolks. How pathetic.
Nope, I would like to disappoint you early on by saying that I did not masturbate nor fucked my next-door neighbor’s wife, you sick pervert! For chrissake it was the Holy Week, supposedly a week allotted by the Roman Catholics to pseudo-repent and clear one's devirginized mind of worldly distractions. I had my own share of such deep musings and whatever confessions I had would just have to be between me and the Guy Up There.
I thought of quirky, out-of-this-world things to do though just to stab the bore that was killing me slowly. Here's a rundown of the ten things I did while replicating Kevin McCallister's life as a home junkie spending the Christmas holidays all by himself (whatever happened to Macaulay Culkin by the way?).
1. Made the apartment one big piece of laundry basket. Please don't be turned off if I tell you I have ounces of sloven (read: burara) blood in me. Well, just ounces anyway. The four days saw used clothes on the table, dirty boxers on top of the fridge, and three pairs of shorts randomly thrown anywhere near between the kitchen sink and the actual laundry basket. Haha! What do you expect? I'm almost always late from work, I have to travel for gawd-knows-how-many miles from Pasig to Makati by means of three commuting public utility vehicles, but I cannot, for the love of gawd, wake up right away after putting the alarm clock to yet another five minute's snooze (everyone else does that anyway).
2. Went on a Nissin cup noodles-slash-Century Tuna-slash-Lucky Me Pancit Canton diet. Fine, I'm a slob. I'm guilty so shoot me. I know how to cook (well at least, my friends tell me my tinolang manok tastes bloody fine..hakhak!) but everytime I go home from work, I feel like hitting the pillows right away because of too much fatigue and harassment from those moronic Occidentals who think customers are really always right even if the problem they're calling about all boils down to their imbecilic tendencies anyway. Would you blame me then if I resort to convenient, no frills, instant food for calorie content? Heck, just the other day, the Chowking Spicy Chicken and Beef Chao Fan I had for lunch was the only source of energy I had up until the next morning. Alms, alms...spare me a piece of bread.
3. Finally finished writing the short story loosely inspired by Neil Gaiman's prose. This one's a long overdue backlog that I seemed to have had no time to wrap up because well, there were a lot of other more important backlogs. I am the Great Procrastinator, you see. Or didn't you know? Haha! I have to thank Messynuthead for were it not for her constant reminder for me to bring the Smoke and Mirrors book to work, which apparently I kept on forgetting, I would not have finished this flash fiction. I have yet to polish the end product though as I've taken the habit to let a work become stale and untouched for a few days before reading it back to ensure that I'm not biased when nitpicking what needs to be nitpicked. That's a pointer for you, frustrated writer wannabe. Lol! Oh and yes, I'll be publishing that here some time soon.
4. Watched Harry Potter over and over again until I memorized most lines by heart, including the bloody British English accent. I don't need to stress the obvious that I'm one certified HP freak, do I? (*hint hint for Lio Loco's future birthday gift* Lolz!). It's funny how I can barely make something sensible out of what the characters are saying, what with all the missing rolling R's and heavily pronounced T's, but still understand the dialogue just the same. Maybe because I've read the books for innumerable times already and the texts on the books have been eventually imprinted on me. Gawd I can't wait what Professor Slughorn will look like in the big screen come July.
5. Swigged one strawberry wine on my own. It's supposed to be reserved as one of the prizes for my pathetic Mammary Awards but whaddaheck, judging by the response of my dear three readers, I don't think I need extra bottles. No worries, Lovely, by the looks of it, it seems the Baguio goodies are on their way to your house. Pray tell you're the only blogger who'd be interested with one ingenious piece of wooden erotic carving, one big bottle of strawberry wine, assorted package of ube jam, strawberry jam, crinkles, or choco flakes, and a cute dream catcher cellphone accessory. Haha! And by the way, you see your website when you hover the mouse pointer to your name? That's a hyperlink and that's what I meant when I said I want a link-back of my site from your entry post. Lol!
6. Tried to read Gabriel Garcia Marquez's Love In The Time Of Cholera but failed miserably. I know, this book is supposed to be one great read what with the Nobel Prize accolade the author received but the long, dizzying prose Marquez is using just makes me drool on my pillow in a jiffy. His verbosity is really too descriptive and dense for a reader that has quick attention spans and loves orgasmic three-minute quickies. Kidding on the last part. Haha! But really, while I am still not giving up on finishing this much-acclaimed piece of literature, I think I'll put it in the backseat for the meantime and read conversational J.D. Salinger instead until I finally find the courage and resolve to read a 30-word per sentence prose.
7. Snitched some Ferrero chocolate from a housemate's prized confectionery box. You know the sentence above about how I only had measly Chao Fan for lunch-dinner-and lunch the next day because of sheer laziness? I sneaked one Rocher fine hazelnut chocolate after waking up in the middle of the night and ate it without any remorse or regret to get me some energy 'till dawn. I am replacing that anyway once I hit some nearby grocery so by definition that is not called stealing. You must deduce by now how I'm good at rationalizing. Hakhak!
8. Let plates and glasses and spoons and forks pile up the sink 'till it stank like hell in the kitchen. Before you throw those daggers of disgust and aversion towards me, let me just tell you that while I type this entry, save the pot where the rice was cooked, the kitchen sink's all clean now - devoid of ants line-up and swirling flies and roaches visits. Would you still want me as your would-be boyfriend though? Haha!
9. Brought the WWE ring unintentionally in the room. One of the reasons why boys couldn't be left fending for themselves is the sheer monstrosity of chaos and topsy-turviness they create after leaving a place. I believe it is a given. So I say it is also a given when you leave the room disorganized -- pillows thrown in every direction, bed mattresses halfway down the floor, and creased bed covers perfectly disguised as floor carpets -- while running like mad to avoid being tardy for the umpteenth time at work.
10. Ran around the house barenaked. Nyahahaha! I'm not kidding. I did walk around the apartment with nary a piece of clothing or underwear and it felt cool and liberating. This was an idea by my teammate Flip who confessed that he did go around their house naked if he's alone just for the heck of it. At first, it seemed like something coming from a psycho maniac's perspective but on second thought, there seemed to be nothing wrong with the act. You're just running around the house barenaked anyway, not filming any fornication cut like those blonde and blue-eyed porn stars from San Fernando Valley. Nope, I am not posting my naked pictures here for fear of driving my moralistic readers away. I'm leaving the hanging pendulum up to your imagination, you sex perverts! Haha!
BONUS: Shaved my balls. Yeah, I forgot to tell you this minute bit. I shaved my pubic hair because all the bushy undergrowth has often than not made me twitch in irritation lately, especially if the strands get tangled while traveling on a bus. Don't tell me you don't know what I'm talking about because I'm pretty sure you've experienced this messy discomfort before yourself. And don't be a hypocrite by telling me how erotically sick I am. It's part of hygiene, man! Oh and yes, there's this immense public acceptance claiming that shaven testicles make for better sex. The ladies like it plus the fact that it makes everything look bigger. Not that I need it to look bigger. Haha! Again, it's for personal hygiene you twisted voyeurs! To shave or not to shave: that is the question. What do you think? Nyahahaha!Happy EGGster everyone!
