I’m beginning to feel inebriated…not by the spirit of booze but by the feeling of love.
I suppose I should be thankful to whoever rules this limitless cosmos because SHE has finally come, right? SHE, the woman I have come to realize is the cause of my being, the breadth of my narrowness, the fire in my numb coldness, has finally entered the realm of my ethereal consciousness. SHE, who has come to change my cynical personality, who has made me a clone of the very people I then despise for being crazy slaves of amorous feelings, has plucked me from the tree of narcissistic selfishness.
But now, I am in deep sorrow and in constant agony. For the woman I have finally learned to love at long last doesn’t believe in my altruistic revelation. SHE has struck me with the dagger of distrust and hesitation, burying the sharp glint of flightiness into the core of my hurting soul. If this is love, then I dare say I wish I wouldn’t have felt it at all. For the pain and the agony of waiting is slowly, little by little, inch by inch, tearing me apart. SHE said this is only a passing of my fancy, a temporal feeling that will no sooner fade than the leaves of fall.
But I say this is not. I am certain about it and if it need be that I will have to wait for the end of time, for eternity, for an orange to grow in an apple tree, then so be it. I will not yield. I will wait even if it means forever. I have only one wish - that is for HER not to tell me to let go. Because if that accursed and unfortunate time brings to pass, I will drown myself into the mire of solitude. Even if it crushes my soul, even if it hurts, I will bring HER wish for me to depart from HER sphere of consciousness into being. If that will give HER peace and bliss, then I will be more than willing to suppress my own happiness.
This is the ultimate rule of love - if the person you love bids you adieu, in spite of everything you tried to make HER change HER will, then never hesitate to let go. Even if your world suddenly becomes ruined. Even if your being inevitably collapses. Even if your world crumbles. Because it is HER wish. It is HER ardent desire. If it will be the only thing that will bring HER happiness, who are you to hold it?
Now the bus is already in motion. Slowly, it will progress. And where the uncertain destination will be, the passenger should not care. As long as he knows that he has made it clear where he wants to go, as long as he is not told to get off the bus, he must never lose hope. He must continue to hold on to his ardent desire to make it to the destination he has declared to go. He must not be bothered whether the uncertain final destination turns out to be the place he has wished to be in from the start of the tour or a deep ravine that will forever take his soul into the abyss of solitude and despair.
*I wrote this post when I was deeply in love with one woman in college. I knew it was love because I did crazy things that, under normal circumstances, I would not even try firsthand. I trashed my serious, don’t-mess-with-me persona in exchange of her whims and fancy. I courted her, gave her flowers, did all those stuff every guy does to make a girl swoon. But her test was too hard and long that I gave up and lost all hope eventually. Only to find out after many months of se paration that she was falling for me already and had I not say quits before, we should have been in a relationship by now. Talk about life being a bitch.
